YSunday, April 30, 2006
i've replaced my hp and sim card..so y'all can contact me as per normal yea..
my mum and dad bought me a replica. they suprised me wit it wen i reached home. haha..sweet~~. *hugz*
on that very day i went to the FHA convention and made lotsa frens along the way. spotted lotsa HOT chefs of other nationalities too.HAHAHA.
its total madness and extremely exhausting..cuz the convention is like HUGE! haha...really glad i got the opportunity to go there.
AFTER which i met One and Only and had dinner and walked around wit her till late that mum had to call us to ask if we're on our way home.hehehe..
superb!
hmmmm....its gona be a real busy month come May. too many things comin up and classes till 6pm..i doubt i'll have time fer myself.but this is wat i've been anticipating for.so whhhheeeee!! hehhe...
as for now, i can clearly and officially announce that im leadin a monotonous boring life...wit no passion for neting else bt sch and family and EHEM..
HAHA.
it's all good.REALLY.
BECAUSE im gona love my life in TAS...
so tis is worth it for the fun im gona get wen sch officially starts wit deployments and projects.hehhehe =P
ANYWAYS,
watched a movie just nw..and it stated..
"there are too much beauty in the world that i cant breathe it all in,
so i choose to take it all in one at a time and embrace it.. makin full use of my already shitty life. if u duno wat im talkin abt..u'll know it soon."
hehe...cheers!
_callous_ was here with you at
YWednesday, April 26, 2006
i have an announcement to make!
i lost my FREAKIN HANDPHONE AGAIN!
and sooo...im terribly sorry for the inconvenience caused 4 trying to reach me...
i'll try gettin a hp ASAP. i duno how...but yeah..i'll try! heh.
the first of day sch was fine...but it all sucked come today cuz i really hate the service skills lecturer who's so damn irresponsible! she made us wait for her for 30mins n wen we found her in the tutorial rm she "innocently" said that she made the announcement yday that LECTURE WAS CANCELLED! WTH. i woke up @ 6a.m. for nothing! guess she's just trying to point out tt the WHOLE lecture group is handicap.bleahhhh....
then..adding salt to the friggin wound..
there was the damn fire drill. twas so humid but im not complaining...im just gona complain abt my wasted trip to SENTOSA!!
because aft the fire drill the classes will only resume at 11am.
in which, referring to my timetable...is the END of my last lecture.ARGH.
and then.....went to TP to meet Mdm Aishah to discuss abt the Board of Governors lecture. BUT she was late, and i had to leave cuz i wasn't feeling well..SO that makes another wasted trip. i spent BUSTING 6BUCKS on transport fare today! for absolutely nothing. BOLLOCKS!
to sum it all off....i reached home to find my HP missing.and the hp is in the pouch and in the pouch together wit the HP..was my TAS ADMISSION PASS.
idiotic.now i have to pay for entrance!
its just EXTREMELY idiotic that i just cant be bothered to fret over it anymore.HEH.
BUT HOWEVER the bust on it was tt before this dreadful day..
there was this dreadful realisation that i was just another person in his life..
HE who's as uncertain as always about the role i was supposed to take in his life. and came up wit me being a special friend.
so he's the one wit "the special friend" wit another "special person" that he "DUNNO" who she is to him..
NOT knowing that i found out that he called her his GF..
lemme quote briefly on tis...
"went to buy a watch wit GF yday and goin to the doc today then to GF's crib"
there you goo...now u noe how i noe and wat i read.
not gona let myself jump into this dunk.had enough.
dun worry..we are cool. im just hurt
and this is nothing new...im numbed by it already.
i just wonder y do u ppl always do tis?? is it really so hard to just be honest? does it hurt any more than this? any more than hurting me having to find tis out? from you after all tat's happened??
BLEEARRRHHHHHHHHH
THANKFULLY the musical RENT made my night..
read this lyric from one of their songs...
"there's only us..there's only this.forget regret or life is yours to miss.no other road..no other way..no day but today"
this keeps me goin..cuz its true..dun u think??
keep it with you...
cuz there's only this and the people who loves u for who u are..do not regret. cuz if u do..u're bound to miss this ONE life.treasure it. embrace it. cuz there's no day but today.
*smiles*
_callous_ was here with you at
YThursday, April 20, 2006
he was an angel filled wit innocence. he's how u define gorgeous.
wit a masculine scent and deep mysterious set of eyes.
he walked pass me as the scent swept me across, igniting all my senses taking me to a new high.
i knew he was the one. i wanted to chase after him as he sped pass me but i halted as he stopped and fixed his gaze on me.
now....
i can stare into his eyes without having to hide or seek permission.
unfortunately his eyes was filled wit tears. i lst that sugar rush.
cuz i was consumed with questions of curiosity.
i allwed myself to look deeper into those eyes.
through the tears in sadness, i saw happiness. innocence..
filling him wit such honesty and sincerity.
i saw liberation and above all..
i saw l o v e.
a glimpse of hope flushed right through me and he broke that gaze wit a nod.
i understood wat it meant and with that look and that nod i found my answer to all my questions.
he then walked away..quickening his pace. i wanted to just stop him and tell him to stay. reassuring him that he is safe with me. that i'l love him with all my heart and treasure him and be with him till death do us part.
but how can i be so sure that my telling him all this will make him realise the truth of this words..the sincerity of this heart and the burning passion of this undying love that has just been found.?
i've loved and lost.
i dun wana have to go through that again.
i understood our unspoken language..
the look..the gaze..the sugar rush and the invisible connection
so i decided to sit and wait for him to return and walk my way again
without a tear in his eyes..but a sudden wave of delight..
wit a smile across his face. with a sigh of relief.
that i'm still here..
that i understood.
that i love him too.
_callous_ was here with you at
YFriday, April 14, 2006
been finding it really hard to breathe lately..
feel like there's this huge weight on my chest and then my head will be spinning simultaneously..not forgetting the stupid tummy ache that i keep gettin late at night. insanity. total insanity.
each time my head spins..i'll shut my eyes and try to not think about the pain..
i'll feel slightly better BUT then..it'll come again as i open them..
this time around..headache and chest pain at once.TSK.
this is literally the time that i really wish that i can just close my eyes forever so that i wun hafta feel tis horrid pain.it really stinks wen it hurts to breathe.
i wonder wats goin on. but heck. perhaps it's normal.
maybe im just stressed over nothing.
but it's been goin onnnn..and i realy madly want this to stop.
is there a possible treatment or diagnostic medication fer this stewpid thing?
ANYWAYS
i miss Dani..
and i wana complain this to him and tell him how it hurts..talk to him and listen to his soothing, caring voice that'll always make me smile and laugh.
i havent been sleepin right neither have i been thinking straight and it's really insanely strange cuz i have never experienced this before.
im sure he's havin his fun in KL..doin the show that he's been anticipating for and stuff and i'm really glad he is..
i just wished somehow he'd call to ask how i am.
then again i obviously remembered...
why in the blue world would he wana do that?
haha. TSK2.
in this moment in time i feel lonely.
wish to be able to be wit someone..so that i dun hafta keep thinking about this sickening pain. anyone..
ANYONE? ANYBODY? ha.ha.
argh.nvm.
______________________________________
btw, this malay song IRIS(Ai-Ris) by Awie is superbly sweet and nice..
u guys should check it out if ur on emo mode..
cuz it's really thoughtful and touching and erm. nice. HAHA
and yeah..
Right Here Waiting by Staind also thoughtful.
i love the song..hehe
if u're a guy..give this song to d girl u really love..it'll melt her.
thanks to my One and Only fer tellin me abt this 2 songs..
*smilez*
and YES..i do wish this song could be dedicated to me by someone.
but WTH. haha.
i'm luffin as an image flashed from the back of my head.
the face that'll never fail to make me smile.hehe.
PS: im startled by how fast my mood can actually change..hehe.
letting out ur THOUGHTS really does make one feel better huh?
hahaha.
Lord Bless.
_callous_ was here with you at
YSaturday, April 08, 2006
this song rocks!! hahaha!! sooo...real. hm.
got the uniforms this mornin and it was really a mess havin to settle the stuffs.
never had so many knives before in a bag too! haha. COOLNESS.
im goin to SENTOSA baby!! woohooooo!!!!! HEHE.
FIRST, i gota do shoppin fer clothes. oh no.
need lotsa long sleeves and shirts and a new suit!
TSK.
SO. i've decided...to GET A JOB.
im gona be dead busy doin lotsa stuffs wit so many other commitments.
but who cares?! i don't. im soooo sick of bein too free that i feel like i need to be stressed and stretched so, YEAH im asking for it.*winkz*
i wana have sleepless nites and overdose on caffeine and complain to ppl how tired i am...HEHEHEE...
Erwin is leaving..this monday. goodness im gona miss him like really2 miss him. still feelin super guilty fer snapping at him two nights ago. hmm...but we are cool~~. in HIS terms that is.hehe.
_______________________________________________
i hate depression and i just simply loathe the word depressed or sad or hurt or pain or hollow or empty or solitude. these words belongs to one category..
cynical.
cuz ur crazy if u get all this feelins all at once. and u'll be more than insanely demented to let it happen to you. cuz i realised one thing. when u get all those feelins..ur just gona be dumbed and pissed and even more depressed than depressed. and all the bad things that happens to u will be seen and the good things forsaken.
can't you see how sickening it is to let it happen?
i faced it and i saw.and the last thing i want is for that to happen again. i dun wana go thru that phase cuz i've hurt the people who care for me. im not gona guarantee that there won't be any sequel to the breakdown. BUT im gona try to avoid it.facing my problems just like everyone else. dealing it wit clear conscience and as rational, as simple wit the least emotions..TRYING as far as i can go to avoid this.
im so SICK of being complicated.i want the simple life. where everything is so clear-cut and happiness is so bright, picture perfect and long-term.
i wana get off this ever twisting rollercoaster ride and hop on to another one. where the turns are visible and aniticipated. im through wit abrupt twists and turns. im exhausted but im gona face this. cuz no matter how tough life is for me.
it's tougher for others out there. NO DOUBT.
there's so many things out there that's within reach..but as i read back..all these things that i long for in life are beyond grasp. i cant even smell this. HAHA.
and to think that i want to have a simple life..?
HMMMMM.....................hahahahahahahahhaha
_callous_ was here with you at
YWednesday, April 05, 2006
we're all wrong..it's fathomable.
we always want something that we cant have..and then we thought that the thing we cant have is what we are meant to have only that we are not trying hard enough to have it.
With this, we go all out tryin to get it. only to realise that it's not what we want.
we only wanted perfection then..but we are not perfect ourselves arent we? so..we wanted something that SEEMS to be perfect to make us perfect.
BUT ultimately, wat we really wanted was something that makes us comfortable, that enables us to be ourselves.right?
am i confusing u yet? hmm..
im just danked cuz wat i really wanted has been right infront of me and i overlooked it due to ignorance.
the bottom-line is..
i have it all figured out..
but..is it too late??
HEH.im just happy though that things DO happen for a reason..
*smilez*
Lord Bless
_callous_ was here with you at
YSunday, April 02, 2006
im not a menace and i dun seek for anything other than understanding.
stop tryina be an angel re-assuring me that u wana be friends and that u wana know me better.bleah.
im the owner of a hollow soul and an empty heart that so happen to still exist and beat in its death-morbid soul. if i could have a choice to end it..i would have, just like before. despite tryin alota ways, im still alive wit scars that just makes me feel worst. maybe i didnt really wana die..i just prefer physical pain in contrary to the mental and emotional pain that im goin thru..so i found an alternative...in which clearly doesnt work. with that, i seeked solace in learning more of Him..so i found serenity in religion. i was at peace wit myself and i came to life.awhile.
then i frail away from this serenity when i choked again. i stumbled and i fell. i was in solitude and i lost myself and i get traumatized by the daunting past. i am lost and i duno what else to do.so i caged myself in this place.my home. feelin more miserable then ever.
they call this a cause for my own destruction.
u cant define me cuz i joke behind hurt. u duno wat im feelin cuz i hardly display any negative emotion..i'll befriend u no matter how much u've hurt me. im not a hypocrite..neither am i a paradox of what's on my mind..im just afraid i guess. afraid of losin someone who's startin to matter..
i drink coffee over tea and i rarely take a stroll in the park. people expect me to be fit well im not. i read a book and i never really fathom evry line..i dun talk much about wat's botherin me except the unevitable obvious. a klutz in every unforseen embarassing moment, never being cautious of consequences..a fickle-minded selfless freak.. who tries to be indifferent wen people hurt her...only to cry alone at nite till she fall asleep and wake up wit a pair of swollen eyes.always longing for something out of reach and frequently fallin into the ditch of heartless pain and sorrow.
stop tryina tell me that it's gona be okay cuz i already noe it will be okay.ONE DAY. and YET so many days have passed. heh. dun waste ur time tryin to make things rite. because im just bound to exhaust u.
just be a friend.
a dear one at that. really wanting to know me better and make me happy. cuz i'll give u that chance.
this is me.and now u know..
SO after all this. tell me. are u really gona make me ur friend? go ahead..befriend me and tell me to keep it a secret cuz MAYBE ur ashamed..i'll accept it and look at it on the bright side and HOPE for a better reason.
haha! ;)
i wana know someone who's honest and sincere..who wun hurt me like the rest. one who really cares with no strings attached. one who'll accept me as i am with no additional criteria. one who with the same interest..who tells me he'll be there and literally mean it. he who look at me under a different lite.
i dun expect to know an angel..i just expect nothing more than understanding with him respecting me as an individual.
i MAY seek comfort...but only from the ones i trust..
_callous_ was here with you at